My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I puked a lego.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
