I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
