My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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