Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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