watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
