Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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