strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
