I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
