He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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