Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
