Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR