We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
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They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
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it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.