Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat