New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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