If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
