How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
