Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
