I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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