I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
and she was petting her beer can
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
