i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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