Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
