I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
