I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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