Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
