I need to stop coming to work sober
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
