I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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