Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
