Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
