he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
