I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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