I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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