every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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