Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
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If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
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Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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