she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
