Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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