the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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