We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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