I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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