I just threw up on my dentist
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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