I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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