My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
