i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
