Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
