So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
