cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
