Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
