I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
