i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
