The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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