i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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