why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
