It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
