dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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