Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
