I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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