My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
