textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
