Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
