it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
