I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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