oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
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