last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
