oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
