i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
